On a personal note

This year has started with so many changes.  It’s hard to comprehend that we are only 5 weeks into 2019.  It’s been a whirlwind from day one.

A few years ago I wrote about the man I was with since 2005.  It was a post about relationships and I used ours as an example.  I said something about how he and I had decided it was okay that we were not going to get married but we continued to stay together.

He read that post, (one of the few he bothered to look at – yes, that was a point of contention) and felt some type of way about it.  Not long after that he proposed and asked me to marry him.  I said yes.

We had been together so long, it seemed like the logical next step.

Except, neither of us was truly happy.  The pressure of saying we were going to commit to each other for life brought to light the weak points in our connection.  Of course, there were also other contributing factors.  

Through actions and responses, causes and effects we came to the mutual understanding that our relationship was over.  As this new year begun, our relationship ended.  I miss him.  Especially the good stuff about him.  

I wish him the best.  But I realize what’s best for him is not me and vice versa.  I learned so much from our time together.  At times, I long to be in his arms, having pillow talk, staying up way too late, laughing all night. 

We tried to separate before but those breaks didn’t last.  I was very serious the last time we got back together, 5 or 6 years ago, when I told him that if I walked away again it would be the last time.  

This past weekend, it hit me like freight train.  It’s really over.  There’s no going backwards.  It is what it is, it’s done.  I had a migraine all weekend.   

I’ve tried to flirt with other men.  And I have to say, it sucks.  Things are quite different than they were 13 years ago.  The internet has people messed up thinking that passive communication is cool.  It is not.

I know I intimidate most people because they are not used to dealing with confident people, including themselves.  But whoa, these jokers are scared, for real. 

One guy, which I suspected, turned out to be way too young and inexperienced for me.  Another guy, a blast from the past, straight disappeared after -a conversation- got too intimate for him.  Then, this one guy tells me, in so many words, that he just wants to obsess about my breasts.  Oh no sir.  I am not interested.  You got me f**k*d up.  

I’m NOT that Bitch.” (click on the link to read my piece entitled this)

I don’t want to date.  I don’t want to be single.  I don’t know how my husband is going to find me but oh no we will not be playing dumb ass games.  I am seeking a level of maturity, intimacy and communication that I have yet to experience.  Save your shallow games for a fool who will entertain it.  It’s not me.  I am not the one.  Let me say it again, “I’m NOT that Bitch.”

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